Tuesday, November 20, 2007

My December

Yes, it is that time of the year again. Though, technically speaking it is not December yet, it still comes close to the way I feel so close to the end. The end of the year. Somehow, I hate winter. I hate December, yet it is my time of the year. ‘Coz we all hope for new beginnings, and hope that in many ways the New Year brings a new lease in life. December, is a feeling I cannot fathom. Yes, to me December is a feeling, it is a way I feel, it is a part of me. I don’t know why I am writing this or if anyone can relate to what I say, but I want to rant on today.
This is my December
This is my time of the year

Have you ever felt that you want to snap away from all emotion? Have you ever felt invulnerable? I have felt both. I feel both are interrelated. If one can manage to curb and curtail, even control, one’s emotions, one has achieved a sort of mental stability. A cocoon made of steel, which cannot be breached by any negative emotions. So, that is what I did. I locked myself up in a cocoon where nothing reaches you. Anger, pain, hurt, and even despair cannot breach. Why the need for invulnerability? Imagine a state of semi-nirvana where you are affected by nothing happening around you. Not even by yourself. That has always come wanting. I could never see chinks in my armory. I was satisfied. Yet, there was always one major flaw. My December.
This is my December
This is all so clear

December, a month or a feeling where hope melts away and gives despair. Though, not that I believe in hope, I think hope is the worst feeling man can think of. It is parasitic in nature, eating away at all things that you value in life, clinging on to one single nonsensical thought. That is what hope is: a good bad feeling. Yet, I am not God. I cannot stop hoping, because hope is basic to all human beings. But this is my December, this is the feeling that takes away hope and blows a hole in that cocoon. I hate December. I love December.
This is my December
This is my snow-covered home

This is me, here and now. This is who I want to be. There are many things that are difficult to understand, and probably I will not understand what I have written tomorrow. I want to stay in December all my life. Never again do I want to breathe in the fresh air of January, because it is only December that breaks hope. It is the feeling of melting ice in January that makes you warm. Gives new hope…eats despair. Same way, my December has made me lock in all emotion in this cocoon of mine, rather than lock it all out. I suffocate on it. Especially when I can't feel any new emotion thanks to invulnerability. I want December. ‘Coz it is my time of the year. It will never pass.
This is my December
This is me alone

6 comments:

Fishy! said...

I love December!

little boxes said...

december...
hmm...yeah its like that wait you wait hopefully...waiting for something to happen...
and january?its like that time when you realise that things are all the same and all your hopes are dead...
so yeah,maybe all of us have our decembers but at different times,different places and in different ways

Shreya said...

i really identify with what you wrote,this hope that the next year,you will make a fresh start and things will possibly get better..it never usually does though.

Rajarshi said...

you've made your december appear dark, insecure and foreboding...almost makes my -10C snowstorm december look warm!

Parabol(a) said...

Well no, I've never been in a position in which I could say I've felt invulnerable to all emotion, although being able to stoically say that I am, has always been something to strive for.

Very relatable!!!

awakened soul said...

i think that december is black n golden.