Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Mood Swings

There was a time when I used to bother. A time when there used to be some idiosyncratic direction to what I was doing. Right now, there is no such direction, no such movement, no such definitive meaning to what is happening to my life. Helplessness grips the edge of reason, and throws all rational thought over such an edge. Right now, life just is.

I looked out the window before starting off on this, and the only thing I noticed were the dead leaves in spring, the shadows cast by the brilliant sunlight and the clouds covering the Sun in sporadic intervals. It all is very inane, very disquieting, very disharmonic , the way one sets anger lines over one’s life. Yes, I am irate, hurt, pained, angry, livid and fed up with the turns in life. It’s all very well to say that I am in a bad mood, but it is all the more difficult to say, why? Why this constant erratic changes in disposition, this absurd conduct, this coarse behaviour?

The best or the worst part of all this is that I really don’t know why. Yet it weighs me down like nothing else does. It rips a part of my heart and soul wide open and says, “You will be poignant, you will be miserable, you will be despondent!” Most of it is attributed to the fact that I do not believe in the feeling of hope. Many will argue that hoping is being optimistic, yet hope also brings us down to our knees in anticipation and when all expectation is broken, hope kills us by battering at the very feeling that keeps us rapt in attention.

It is a very thorny state of affairs. One where there will be little solution, yet more questions. So right now I shall satisfy myself by having an ice-cream. Ice-creams are the answer to most of these normative enquiries. Chocolate Chips, if you please!